


John BastardMan Egbert

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: John is hot, M/M, Murder, dirks a ghost y'all, dirks hella dead, halloween fic, johndirk to the maaaax, low-key decapitation, puppet murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 05:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21265922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: Dirk dies horrifically and bonds with his new roommateHappy Halloween you fucks





	John BastardMan Egbert

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Halloween my dudes! My blog is cynical_pyromaniac on Tumblr so go over there and please ask me questions  
Please   
(yes I am a day late for Halloween)

You are Dirk. Dirk Martha Strider, specifically.

You are also dead.

Very very dead. 

So dead, in fact, you are technically alive and technically not.

See, you are a ghost. Very much a ghost. You got 'mysteriously' killed in your apartment when you were exactly 24. You died on your birthday, at 12:01am. You were writing an essay for your philosophy class and you ended up getting your head nearly cut off by… someone. You don't really know. You just saw your body laying there as the police arrived but as soon as they shone their flashlights on you, you just…. Disappeared. You don't know where you went but it wasn't fun. It was the space in between consciousness so to speak. Not… nothing but definitely not something. It's the place you go when you sleep and have no dreams. There is nothing but something. It's not black but it's not any other color it's just.. void.

Then, you 'woke up'.

Woke up isn't the right word for it. You kinda just… appeared again. It was kinda like when your body does that fake fall thing. You didn't enjoy it. Your apartment was the exact same as it was before…. Kinda. There was a huge stain behind your chair. There were little cards with numbers on them. You were extremely confused at first. You had convinced yourself it was a weird dream but the quiet sound of detectives and those analyst dudes told you otherwise. Why were you there?

You had wondered out into the hallway, feeling disoriented and confused. Like everything was in slow motion. It was… day..? You weren't really sure. The shades were drawn. There were people talking in your kitchen and living room and you felt.. upset by that fact. You moved quickly to your kitchen, watching them carefully hold your weapons. You… were an odd person and enjoyed putting katanas in your fridge. What? It was nice to have them all cold and ready. The front door was open as well. You were confused and angry that they were just filing through all your shit, treating it like it was some cheap shit. You walked right through multiple people and slammed the fridge shut before they could take more swords out.

You think a few people yelled in surprise but they were all so… quiet. You didn't know why but you already knew you wouldn't be able to grab your sword so you grabbed the person who was holding it by their arm, dug your fingers into it and yanked. They was yelling now. You think. The person was bleeding. Then, you were in the void again.

You "awoke" a few more times after that. Sometimes a few idiotic teens would sneak in and try to 'summon' you. Sometimes a real estate agent would wonder in and try selling the place to some sucker. Most of those deals failed until a week ago.

Your name, once again, is Dirk Martha Strider and you are a ghost who despises John BastardMan Egbert. Yes, that is his legal middle name. You personally changed the day after you met him.

You see, John BastardMan Egbert, was a broke college student and needed the extremely discounted apartment. He didn't give a shit about the weapons, the history, the mysterious stain in the bedroom or the puppets. John BastardMan Egbert had moved your things, changed everything in the apartment that you loved, and he did nothing but watch shitty movies all.day.long. Not even funny shitty movies! Just really really shitty movies! Unfortunately, the TV wasn't quiet at all. It was loud and annoying.. so you occasionally just shut it off or forced the TV to back out of the movie and play something ACTUALLY good. Like MLP.

Luckily, John was always nice enough to leave the TV on when he left. You thought it was a waste of energy but you enjoyed being able to watch shows while he was gone. But that didn't earn him forgiveness for throwing all your puppets away. That's right. He threw  _ all _ of your puppets away just yesterday. So, here you were.

Watching him sleep.

Glaring at him.

You had to admit it. John BastardMan Egbert was a very fucking handsome man. He was maybe a few inches shorter than you were but he definitely weighed a lot more than you. He had a nice soft looking belly and strong arms and he had a really nice ass…. Okay, yes, maybe you kinda spied on him every once in a while, big deal. You weren't some pervert but you could appreciate his hella nice bod every once in a while. You were just grateful he didn't walk around naked. But right now, John looked… Well, dumb. His glasses were smushed against his face, his mouth was wide open, he was drooling a bit and he was snoring. It…..

It was kinda endearing… Snap out of it, you homosexual fool!! This is no time to be oogling over cute boys!! You shake your head to get rid of the horrendous queer thoughts and hold the Ouija board tightly in your hands. Roxy had visited a while ago and used this to communicate with you. She and her sister Rose could easily see ghosts. Rose saw them less but could make accurate predictions on when someone would die and Roxy could see and communicate with ghosts easily but she had trouble seeing when they died. 

You know Rose still blamed herself for your death. You knew she wished she saw it coming. But you wish she'd know that you enjoyed death. It was better than being alive.

You shook your head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. This was not the time. You raised your arms and dropped the Ouija board right on Johns face.

John bolted straight up, floundering around for a few seconds before falling out of bed. He quickly got up and looked around wildly before he noticed the Ouija board. You moved the planchette to the "hello" corner. It would have been nicer if Roxy had brought one that said "Howdy" instead. John, instead of freaking out like you thought he would, quickly jumped back into bed and put his fingers on the planchette.

"Woah!! This is so cool! Are you a ghost?" John voice rang out clearly. You tried not to shudder from how amazing his voice sounded.

'YES'

'M-Y N-A-M-E I-S D-I-R-K' You spelled out, your fingertips right next to Johns. You were a bit slow on pushing his fingers around but you got your point across. Before you could even try another sentence, John launched into a full ass Dave style ramble, asking question after question. This is not what you intended. This was supposed to scare him away, not excite him. Before he could continue questioning you, you threw the planchette at him and smirked when it hit him right on the nose, forcing him to cringe back.

"Hey! That's not very nice!" John said, pouting as he grabbed the planchette out of his lap and placed it on the board. "Alright! I won't bombard you with questions anymore! But I still have a few." John explained, trying to hide the fact that his eyes were watering from the smack

'S-H-O-O-T' you managed to move his hands around enough to get that out and watched his glee return.

"Are you the guy I keep seeing in here..? The one who keeps appearing in the hallway, changing the channels, stuff like that? The one with spikey hair and the…. Bloody neck?" John asked, getting quieter as he spoke. You had only seen yourself in the mirror once after you died and you… you weren't pretty. Dirty sweatpants, your favorite black tank top and dried blood around your neck. Your hair was insane and greasy, your lips were dry and cracked, you looked like a meth head. Too skinny, too pale, too unhealthy looking. You unfortunately didn't have your shades with you but you figured that was for the best. It took you awhile before you moved the planchette to 'YES'. 

John seemed to frown a bit. Apparently he didn't like your appearance either. You couldn't blame him.

"Oh… I'm sorry you died in such a way."

'S-O-R-R-Y Y-O-U H-A-V-E T-O S-E-E M-E'

"It's okay! I've seen worse. Uh, sorry for throwing away all your puppets.. and peeing with the door open. And showering with the door open. And walking around in my boxers. And watching porn without headphones. And leaving the door open when I jerk it. And losing everything all the time."

'I D-O-N-T M-I-N-D W-I-N-K-Y F-A-C-E'

"Did you just spell out winky face?"

'YES' You chuckled to yourself as you moved the planchette. John should've seen this coming………. Just like you've seen  _ him _ cumming. Ha, no. You respect a man's privacy. You may have been an extreme pervert but you didn't creep on real people without consent.

"That's kinda gay dude." John said, making a weird face. You reached over and stuck your hand through his stomach, watching him squeal and cover his stomach with his arms. You've been around enough people to know while you were dead that that was an extremely weird feeling.

"Okay okay!! Jeez, never do that again! It was like going on a rollercoaster and your seatbelt coming undone right in the middle of everything. Or going on one of those weird swinging boat things that rely way too much on physics." He complained, rubbing his stomach. "So… My roommate is a gay ghost named Dirk. Nice. Um.. you don't actually spy on me, right..?" John asked nervously.

'NO I A-M N-O-T A P-E-R-V'

John visibly relaxed, his weirdly charming smile back. "Okay, good! Cause that'd be really weird and I'd have to stop putting My Little Pony on after I leave." He said, tapping the planchette lightly like he was trying to think of other important questions. "So…… Anything you want me to pass onto Dave? Oh, uh, he and I got really close when I finally confronted him about randomly staring at my apartment. Well… Our apartment..?"

'M-Y A-P-A-R-T-M-E-N-T'

"Okay yeah well, how come it's in  _ my _ name?"

'B-E-C-A-U-S-E F-U-C-K Y-O-U'

"Uh huh, that's what I thou-" You decided to stick your hand through his lower intestine, watching him shudder and nearly gag. "Okay fine fine!! It's yours!! Never do that again, oh GOD, that felt so  _ weird _ !!" He said loudly, shivering as he rubbed his stomach.

'T-E-L-L D-A-V-E H-E C-A-N F-U-C-K M-Y C-O-R-P-S-E'

'A-N-D'

You paused. You wanted Dave to know that you loved him… but you knew that wouldn't be meaningful enough to Dave.

'G'

You start tearing up. You felt like you were truly giving away your life now.

'G-I-V-E H-I-M M-Y A-R-T S-U-P-P-L-I-E-S C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R A-N-D N-O-T-E-B-O-O-K-S' you slowly and shakily spell out, sniffling. You didn't like getting emotional but… you couldn't help it.

'I-N C-L-O-S-E-T C-E-I-L-I-N-G' you spelled out before John could ask and took your hands away from the planchette, staring at the pretty letters on the board as John got up to go look. You heard him lift the ceiling board up and discover your secret. You had a passion for art but never thought you were good enough to major in it. There was your countless sketchbooks, art supplies, notebooks containing songs you wrote and your computer, all locked away so no one would find them. The computer up there was your personal one. You had moved it once you returned to your apartment the second time, ensuring no one found it. You had hundreds of lessons saved on there and you wanted Dave to benefit from them.

You heard John carefully and delicately move your things onto the soft carpet, taking extra care with them like they were priceless artifacts. The computer had some blood on it but it worked fine. When you finally turned to look at your secret pile of things, John was staring at you with a sad look in his eyes. He could see you. For once, you didn't feel ashamed. You desperately wanted to get down on the ground and go through your old sketchbooks and notebooks just to get that one last bit of nostalgia but you knew it was time to let go. John was speaking but it was too quiet to hear. He must've been whispering. You hoped Dave wouldn't think this was some sick and messed up prank. You genuinely wanted him to have these things so he could be creative. Dave was always creative. He enjoyed art. All types. You wanted to encourage that..

"I'll tell him. He'll be so happy, I promise. He misses you a lot." John said. It was still quiet but you could at least make it out. He sat in front of the Ouija board again, putting his fingers on the planchette and suddenly his voice was as clear as day again.

"I'm sorry you weren't able to.. live longer." John said quietly, looking sad.

You shook your head, placing your long and thin hands on the planchette.

'D-O-N-T B-E' you spelled out, getting slightly startled when John jumped a bit.

"Sorry! You just… kinda poofed. You still there?" John asked nervously, looking around. It was clear he didn't want to fuck this up. You moved the planchette over to the 'YES' to reassure him, a small smile on your face. John was ridiculously cute.

"Okay, good! Now, moving away from the… grief. I have one more question." John said, a big smile on his face.

'W-H-A-T'

"Can you.. slime me?"

'H-E-L-L'

'F-U-C-K-I-N-G'

'YES'


End file.
